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Moving past the loss of 2020 and into a rebuilding year

On Tuesday, I picked out two sympathy cards.

You read that right: Two.

One for each wife who had lost her husband on Monday. Both were precious friends. 

I met Tom years ago when I was serving on the national board of directors for the Society of Professional Journalist. I traveled around the South in my role as regional director, meeting fellow journalists along the way. Tom and his wife Lorraine became dear friends, even hosting me at their home in Atlanta. They were accomplished and dedicated journalists. Several years ago they retired to North Carolina but we stayed in touch. 

Our friend Andy lost his fight with pancreatic cancer. At age 51, his life was cut short much too soon. Andy’s wife Audra moved to Charleston more than a decade ago. Through a mutual friend she ended up staying in my guest room for a few weeks as she got settled. At the time, Kate was 2 years old, and Clint was working in Africa for 11 months. Audra was a gift from God as I struggled to work, chase after a toddler, recover from postpartum depression — all while missing my husband desperately. 

Andy joined Audra in Charleston a few weeks later. He quickly became Uncle Andy to Kate. The two of them were family. 

So, I’m coming into the last week of the year with a heavy heart. But, then, let’s be real. This whole year has had a heaviness to it. 

These losses came at the end of year of so many losses. We all lost in 2020. Lives were lost to COVID — certainly the greatest of all losses. Others lost businesses, jobs, income. Clint and I closed up our CrossFit gym so we understand that loss. 

Celebrations, milestone moments and bucket list trips — lost to a virus that gripped our world. Our nation faced political tension, racial divide and social unrest — a loss of unity and hope. 

It’s tempting to bid 2020 a big, fat farewell. It was the year that overstayed its welcome. 

Among the loss, grief, stress and plain old exhaustion of this year, can we dig some good from the rubble? 

This made the rounds on social media and really resonated with me.

I’ve decided 2021 will be a rebuilding year. You know, like sports teams have when they get a new coach. They don’t expect a lot from that year. They use it as an opportunity to renew their focus, get their heads on straight and train for what will surely be a monumental next season. I think we need to rebuild and regroup after the losing season of 2020.

This year I read the book “Chasing Vines” by Beth Moore. One of the lines from the book is “Your growing comes in shrinking.” For me, 2020 was a year of “shrinking.” It was a year of stepping away and figuring out how I should spend my time and energy. It opened my eyes to the importance of rest, narrowing my focus and deepening my faith. 

So much of our lives shrunk in 2020. That’s not exactly a bad thing. Remember, out of our shrinking comes future growth. We shrink, we rebuild, and we approach the next season with a winning attitude. 

That is my hope and prayer. 

Yes, we should mourn the losses of 2020 — a business, precious friends, anticipated events. Feel the grief. Shed the tears. 

And then step into 2021 ready to rebuild.  

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Finding freedom in failure

What lessons can we learn from what feels like a failure?

Have you ever had a dream that hovers? The one that lingers at the back of your mind. Sometimes it scoots to the forefront of your thinking, resurrecting itself in a daydream as you’re driving down the road or out for a morning run. 

We had such a dream several years ago. Clint wanted to open a CrossFit gym. In 2010, we’d both fallen in love with CrossFit. We were smitten with not only the workouts, but the community and the way it could transform lives for the better. 

We created spreadsheets of equipment costs, we looked at commercial real estate, we filed an application to become an official CrossFit affiliate. We selected a name. But the numbers just wouldn’t work in our favor. Mostly it was the high cost of rent that made us pack up the spreadsheets and tuck that dream away. 

At the beginning of 2018, that dream was pushing its way to the forefront of my mind. Dormant for a few years, it awakened. I wondered why. Was God speaking? Had the timing been wrong years before but now was right? I put the idea in my prayer journal, asking God, “Was this real? Was it worth pursuing? Or was a fanciful daydream that needs to stay hidden?” 

In July 2018, a friend told us a local CrossFit gym was up for sale. The owner was moving out of state quickly and needed to sell. We set up a meeting. We looked at the facility. We asked questions. We crunched some numbers. Later that week we signed the paperwork. 

It was as God had orchestrated the entire situation. I felt so confident in our decision. 

That’s what made the next two years so hard. So confusing. So frustrating. It was as if God had called us to pursue this dream and then set us up for failure. I know God doesn’t work that way. But, I’ll admit, it sure felt like it at times. 

We poured money, sweat and energy into the new business — all while working our “day jobs.” We cleaned and painted. We spruced up the bathrooms. We bought new equipment. We worked on marketing plans. We invested in a nutrition program that I would run. I devoted hours to the training and planning of that program.

And yet no matter how hard we tried, we hit roadblock after roadblock. Two new members would join; three would leave. No one believed nutrition was all that important. Prices were too high. People complained about the music or the coaching. The monthly rent jumped 75%. The membership dwindled despite investing in a mentoring program, advertising and following the advice and recommendations of other successful gyms around the country.

Occasionally, there would be a little glimmer of sunshine: a member whose squat improved. A member who tackled their first pullup or rope climb. A member who reported weight loss and improved energy from eating better. 

Unfortunately, those moments were outweighed by the growing financial burden and overall stress of trying to figure out how to keep this business afloat with two more years on a lease.  

By the beginning of 2020, we felt defeated. We were exhausted, overworked and frustrated. By the end of February, we were thinking about an exit strategy. 

In mid-March, we closed our doors due to COVID-19. That forced break was a welcome respite from the daily grind. And we began to think about what would come next. 

Like everyone we expected the forced shutdown and stay-at-home orders to last a couple of weeks, maybe a month at the most. Of course, it extended much longer. (And like other business owners, we were paying rent on a facility we couldn’t even use.)

Clint and I sat on our back patio in the evenings, discussing our next steps. It just didn’t make financial sense for us to continue another two years until the lease was up. We called our property manager with a lease buyout deal. It was a long shot, but worth a try. The landlord accepted our offer. 

What followed in the next couple of weeks was a busy blur of selling off the equipment and shutting down the business. One silver lining is that workout equipment was in high demand as people outfitted their home gyms. We sold everything quickly. 

We were simultaneously sad and relieved. And I’ll admit I was a little angry too. I questioned God. I questioned myself. Had I heard him wrong? Maybe he hadn’t orchestrated this opportunity like I thought.

I had even scaled down my marketing business — letting my two contract employees go and passing off some clients — so I could devote more time to the gym. Was that a mistake? 

Where had I gone wrong? 

I hate being seen as a failure, so closing the business was a real blow to my self-esteem and my ego. 

I’ve tried not to beat myself up too much over what happened. Maybe God really did orchestrate this situation for some grand purpose. I remind myself that he has the aerial view. I only see what’s right in front of me. I only see the here and now. He sees the tomorrows. 

I also know God may use us to fulfill his plans for others. Did we impact someone God had his eye on? Was our stint as gym owners a minor role in a bigger play? 

I don’t know. I may not know the answer for another decade. I may not know the answer until I enter those pearly gates and can ask God himself.  

So, I choose not to see this endeavor as a “failure.” I choose to look at what I learned about myself, about others and about running a business. What lessons can I take from this experience? 

The biggest lesson may be that dreams are worth pursuing. Don’t let one hard dream cloud your overall perspective. Don’t squash future dreams out of fear. Follow God’s prompting. Pay attention when a dream shoves its way to the forefront of your mind. And know that it is possible to find freedom in failure. 

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Word of the year: Peace

Last year I hoped on a trend of picking a word of the year. I choose “strength” and as I read my post from a year ago, I didn’t feel as if I’d totally blown it over the year. In fact, I needed a little more strength than I anticipated last year to survive a move, adjust to life with a school-age child and to support Clint as he entered the land of the self-employed.

 

So, what’s my word for 2014? A few possibilities had come to mind but the one that struck me the hardest was “peace.” For the most part, my life is anything but peaceful. It’s busy, chaotic and crazy – and most of the time I thrive in that kind of environment. At times, I feel myself relating to this verse in Job: “What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me. I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, but only turmoil.” (Job 3: 25-26)

 

That’s a slight exaggeration, of course, but still I could use a little more peace – and not just peace and quiet (although I’ll take some more of that!).

 

Peace in my family. Having a strong-willed (almost) 6-year-old can suck the peace right out of your life. She can be argumentative and demanding and loving and precious – all in the span of 5 minutes. It’s tiring. I need to find peace in me to create peace in her. And part of that means making peace with motherhood – a part of my life that hasn’t been easy. I need to make peace with those first years so I can be present for what’s to come.

 

Peace in saying “no.” Part of my lack of peace is my tendency to take on too much. I’ve never met a cause I couldn’t get behind or a project I couldn’t tackle. But I have to remember that just because you can doesn’t mean you should. It’s OK to say “no” sometimes. Interestingly, I tried it a time or two last year and the world didn’t end.

 

Peace in my own mind. Aside from CrossFitting, I don’t carve out a chunk of the day/week that’s just for me. This year I want to work on my personal writing – even if that’s just updating my blog on a weekly basis. Sounds simple but it’s often hard for me to allow myself the peace and quiet to just be with my own thoughts and do some writing.

 

Peace in my God. Each year I look for ways to better my spiritual health and grow in my relationship with God. I’ll be working to stay committed to daily devotional time and tackle some books and studies that help me grow.

 

So, here we go into 2014 with a resolve for greater peace.

 

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Influence Conference: Get to know you questions

I’m really looking forward to meeting the 200 or so women who will be at the Influence Conference next week in Indianapolis. Many of the gals have been using their blogs to introduce themselves before we all converge on Indy. (Did I mention the conference hotel is attached to a mall?)

 

So I’m following this structure from Kimberly over at ThisHealthyEndeavor.com.

 

What’s the #1 most played song on your iPod?

Pretty much anything country or 1990s tunes (there, I’ve dated myself).

 

If you had to work on only one project for the next year, what would it be?

I serve as the president of the nonprofit organization Postpartum Support Charleston and would love to devote a year to that organization and my own personal work educating the public, women and medical professionals about PPD while helping to break the stigma of this illness.

 

What story does your family always tell about you?
My grandparents like to talk about when they helped me move from Ohio to Texas after college. My grandpa says it was the hardest thing he ever did leaving me in a new town where I was about to start a new job and didn’t know anyone. But it turned out to be an amazing experience where I had a great job as a newspaper reporter, made some lifelong friends and met my husband.

 

The best part of waking up is?

Coffee! I’m an early riser and love having a little time to myself in the morning so I can start the day reading my Bible or a devotional book and praying. Then I go to CrossFit, which I love.

 

What is your favorite time of day/day of the week/month of the year?

My favorite time of day is the early morning because it’s peaceful. Sometimes I don’t mind Mondays because the weekends are often so hectic! Growing up in Ohio, I dreaded fall because it meant a brutal winter was just around the corner. But now living Charleston, I love October and November – we finally stop sweating!

 

With my husband, Clint, and daughter, Kate.

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A new direction of influence

Next week I’m headed off to the Influence Conference in Indianapolis to learn new ways that I might have influence.  Here’s a conference description.

 

“We believe that God has given you influence right where you are, for one purpose: to make much of Him. At Influence we’re going to dig into the common thread of all of us – the Good News. We plan on doing a little teaching, talking, sharing, and celebrating concerning the ways He might want to use you on the individual platforms He’s given.”

 

I’m excited for this event for two reasons: one, I get a weekend away with girlfriends and the conference hotel is attached to a mall! Two, I want to use this time to really hone my purpose. If you follow my story, you know I’ve been devoting a good deal of time and energy to spreading awareness about postpartum depression. About two years after my own PPD struggles, I really felt God calling me to work in this area.

 

Part of me needed to find a reason I had experienced such a difficult period in my life. I needed to know something good could come from that. I also felt strongly that Christian women suffering with PPD needed a resource. My initial thought was to write a book about my experience and that of other women and give it a spiritual focus.

 

I began the book – the research and some writing. I have two chapters drafted (not a particularly stellar start). But a couple of months ago, the idea of the book became less appealing. Writing is no small task and while I’ve written hundreds – maybe even thousands – of newspaper and magazine articles, I had never written a book. And let me tell you, it’s hard. It’s also a lengthy process. The writing and revisions take months or years. Then there’s the process of finding a publisher, and I knew it could be three to five years before I had a book in my hands.

 

Maybe this isn’t the best way to fulfill my mission. And so I’m rethinking my direction. I’m leaning toward creating an online community and reaching women that way. It feels more immediate and direct – and more successful. I’m not saying “never” to the idea of a book. I’m just saying “not right now.”

 

So my desire at this Influence Conference next week is to gain more focus and direction for this idea of an online platform – how to develop and grow it so that I may have influence.

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Daring to ask God for the impossible

I recently completed the book “Sun Stand Still” by Steven Furtick. Go get a copy…now. It’s a tremendous book that spoke to me at just the right time. Furtick is a pastor in Charlotte who has preached at our church a few times. He’s a young guy with a great message and a passion for God. I love hearing him speak and when they sold his book at our church, I snatched up a copy. But like so many of the books I buy, it sat on the nightstand for months.
So when I started a women’s study at my church earlier this year, and one of the classes was studying this book, I knew I had to join that group. The premise of the book is “what happens when you dare to ask God for the impossible.” It’s about asking God to do something really big in your life – something audacious and seemingly impossible.
For the last year or so, I’ve been chipping away at an idea for a book on postpartum depression. I felt maybe I could help others who had gone through PPD and that surely my suffering with that illness could have a larger purpose. I have only found one book on PPD that takes a Christian perspective so I thought there could be a market for this kind of resource.
During one of the first group sessions, we shared our visions. I was hesitant to share mine, but did. Several women in the group nodded in understanding when I said I’d suffered from PPD and then talked about my desire to write a book on the experience.
A young mother approached me the next week and told me her feelings of PPD and a few days later we met for coffee. She encouraged me to work on the book and offered her support. We shared our experiences with PPD. I love when God lines up experiences, putting us in just the right place at just the right time with just the right people.
I’ve been struggling with finding the time to work on the book. In truth, I think it may be less about making the time and more about the fear of such an undertaking. But I’ve finished reading the last couple chapters of “Sun Stand Still” and continue to believe this is God’s desire for me, so I’m renewing my commitment to this project and carving out some dedicated time to work on it. So, hold me accountable on my progress. Give me a nudge. Say a prayer for me. Here I go ….