Could I really be someone’s mother?

Motherhood is by far the most difficult of life’s transitions. All other events in my life – the ones I thought were huge – pale in comparison: two college degrees, moving across the country, getting married, buying houses. None of these events have taken such a toll on me as realizing I’m someone’s mother.

Some women just seem to fall naturally into being a mom. They barely seem to flinch when it comes to taking care of a baby. Sure, some women probably put on a good show but I truly believe there are a group of women for whom motherhood is a calling. You know those women who have dreamed of having a baby since they were little girls playing with dolls. You know the moms who change diapers and wipe dirty faces without so much as a second thought.

I haven’t quite hit that stage just yet. And the jury is still out on whether I ever will. I have a beautiful baby girl. I was there to hear her first cries. I know she’s mine but I can’t help but feel as if I’m babysitting. Could I really be someone’s mother?

I’ve never been particularly domestic. I’m not a very good cook. I don’t do anything that requires a needle and thread. I’m not overly fond of cleaning (although I like a clean house). Let’s just say, June Cleaver I am not. So staying home all day with a baby has been tough for me. I just don’t see myself as a stay-at-home mom.

Next week I go back to the office and feel I’m ready. I’ve invested years of energy into my career and just can’t abandon it. In many ways, it was my first child. I’m hoping all goes well as I return to work and Katherine enters daycare in a couple of weeks. Will I feel some guilt for not being there for every moment of her early life? I’m sure I will. But would I feel even more guilt for not following what I believe is the best motherhood path for me? One of my friends says she believes she is a better mother because she works. I think it’s important for us to recognize our strengths and our weaknesses. Can I be a good mom and a working mom? I’ll certainly try my best.

These early weeks of being a mom haven’t come easily for me. They have been filled with doubts, questions and tears. But a little smile from my daughter helps – at least for a moment – ease some of the doubts and brush away a few tears.